Written in three parts during the period May – December 2005
The Early Years
I went to work for The Company in February 1972. My good friend S found a Want Ad for an “adjusting clerk”. Ed hired me after his first choice flunked the company physical. Ed was a dictatorial, egotistical little skinny Italian who talked rapidly in a whisper unless he was pointing out your mistakes. Ed served as a model of the manager I vowed to never become. I have lunch with Ed occasionally. He’s mellowed over the years and is a dotting Grandfather now. The irony being he never spent much time with his own three children except to tell them what to do.
My job as adjusting clerk ($620.00 per month) was to reconcile the differences between bills to customers and their payments. This required me to write “memos” to the Salesman involved to ask what’s up. As the only male doing this, I developed friendships with the salesmen “in the field”. We came to like each other. Within 9 months, Ed promoted me to Supervisor of the Adjusting Department. I made it a point to always explain to my staff why we were doing things, talk quietly and generally set a good example. Carbon paper was still used in the mid 70’s. Calculators were big and loud. Cubicles hadn’t been invented. There was no Dilbert.
By 1976, I was the Manager of Accounts Receivable & Warehouse Records. The Vice President of Sales asked to talk to me about a job opening. I went and was hired as the Manager of Sales Systems. There were no sales systems. My first assignment was to visit each of the 27 sales offices in the USA and document their “systems”. Then I was to standardize procedures across the country. Airports, hotels and travel in general quickly became mundane as I was away a week and home a week for almost a year.
After a big Sales reorganization, many of the Sales guys I used to write and help were promoted to management jobs – one in particular became the VP of Sales and my boss: Mike. I used to hate people obviously sucking up to the boss by sitting in his office bullshitting. When Mike came , I would get his coffee and we’d sit every morning and bullshit – in his big office. I knew people were walking by saying “what a suckass” but I didn’t care. Mike taught me THE SECRET. Which really isn’t a secret – just well hidden in its obviousness. The secret is: the harder you work, the luckier you are. Mike was there when Personal Computers were born and allowed young K to buy several to play with. They were very cool.
Soon young K was berating the “Computer Department” for their lack of attention to an opportunity to improve sales effectiveness by investing in information reporting. I would periodically throw hand grenades into the Computer group – one guy, Bill, once threatened to punch me in the mouth. With my boss’s support, I built a small group of Sales personnel whose mission was to “create an environment that encourages intelligent decision making”. Mike and I agreed that the purpose of a Headquarters Staff was to SUPPORT the field, not HINDER them with useless reports and Bullshit. Along this way I met a lovely young girl named J and fell in love.
In 1989, Mike was promoted to President of a division located in Chicago. Mike’s replacement was not Mike, which prompted me to accept a Special Assignment to develop a new “sales promotion analysis system”. I worked with one other guy for 500 days and we delivered. As a reward I was given the opportunity to work in the “Computer Department” for Bill and hire a group whose purpose would be to support the Sales and Marketing organizations. “I can do that”, I said, smiling to Bill, as he smiled back through clenched teeth.
Bill was the first real asshole I ever worked for. We tolerated one another because he was smart enough to realize you don’t kill the golden goose and I was having too much fun to care what he thought. A new Company President had been hired from the outside who looked around and said, “You people need some Sales & Marketing systems”. I was entering Fat City.
So what did K learn during the early years?
CORPORATE WORLD LESSON 1. All assholes and egotistical dictatorial tactless Italians serve a purpose – even if it’s to be a bad example
The Golden Years
So there I was entering Fat City. It’s 1991. The Vice President of Finance had called the Director of IT and said “Create a Department for K that involves Sales and Marketing information systems”. And Bill did what he was told and I found myself managing a small group of people who, independent of each other, had been evaluating a new tool that could deliver data to a person’s PC (remember this is 1991). My new assistant arranged a demonstration of this tool. I watched, I asked questions, I watched again and as I felt my socks rolling down my ankles I said “Holy Shit. I sure hope this works”.
Well it didn’t and we spent months / years and millions of dollars getting it right – but we did. We allowed a salesman to see his accounts and their activity. We allowed a brand manager to see sales and promotion activities. All by 1998. And we had a great time doing it – at least I did and based on the lack of turnover and the avalanche of applications for new hires whenever we expanded, the whole group was having fun.
Of course, like any job, it had its share of what I call “stupid stuff”. One great irony of my job was finding myself in the same intimidating corner office into which I would regularly throw handgrenades when I was a young whippersnapper. Now I would spend my time ducking handgrenades thrown by even younger young whippersnappers. The good news is I could and often did explain the planning process and the best practices that allow a World-Class organization with minimal headquarters staff to maintain the optimum balance of productivity with fiscal efficiency. In short, I blew the upstarts off just as I’d been blown off.
In truth, I was always open to a good argument and could change on a dime to a better idea. Hell, all I did was interpret my boss’s (or if he was an asshole – HIS boss’s) goals. Then I’d sell my staff on individual goals that if accomplished would more that satisfy my boss’s goals. All I had to do was whatever was necessary to allow my staff to succeed. This occasionally meant I was called to a meeting to give THE LOOK or (on a rare, lucky day) to go absolutely ballistic and yell and scream or something that would accomplish the same result – a project back on track.
Were we successful in creating an environment that encouraged intelligent decision making? Yes. Unfortunately, our success and the general success of the entire organization brought The Company to the attention of, a European giant 6 times our size who said in 1999 “we will pay you bunches of money because we admire you and need the passion and excellence of your management team” (are you smelling the bullshit?). It was a bitter / sweet time when “We” were sold to “Them”. On the one hand, everyone holding The Company’s stock (which was pretty much EVERY Employee) was receiving a 40% appreciation INSTANTLY. On the other hand, our family of friends was about to be swallowed by a company ruled by Bean-Counters. On the day the sale was completed, my old friend Mike had a stoke and died (no shit!).
CORPORATE WORLD LESSON 2. Nothing ever works right. Most people couldn’t find happiness with a lantern and a hound dog. Accept these truths and know that laughter keeps the demons away.
The Quickening
By “quickening” I mean the feeling that something is out of balance and some great change is about to happen; that life as we know it is about to change.
“They” paid 25 Billion dollars for “Us”. Originally billed as a “merger of equals” it quickly became apparent who was on top. I was one of 7 Directors of IT “Us” who spent 3 weeks with 9 Directors of IT (Them) building a new organization that would include the “Best of the Best”. While we were waxing eloquent in a conference room, the VP’s of IT were deciding which Systems were redundant and therefore doomed. Unfortunately, the wonderful information systems my team had spent years building were deemed “too expensive and not compatible with existing “Them” Systems.”
The music had stopped and there wasn’t a chair for me in IT. My boss (no, not Bill – he was gone) told me I could stay on as his assistant until I found a job in the merged Company. Half my staff took jobs with the new organization, half were asked or chose to leave. Terms of leaving were very attractive (like 2 1/2 years pay if you promised not to sue) but nevertheless these were dark times. Especially since the systems we were abandoning were far far superior to “Their” alternatives. I bid sad farewells to many wonderful people.
It took three months for me to find a place. The VP of Supply Management, an “Us” person who was systems savvy, offered me a newly created job as Director of Purchasing Systems. I asked why she wanted a person with zero purchasing experience and she replied: “I’ve seen what you did for Sales and Marketing and I want you to do the same for Purchasing”. I smiled and said, “I can do that”.
And so I found myself once again hiring a staff, making plans and gaining an understanding of what makes purchasing work and how I could contribute to “creating an environment that encourages intelligent decision making” (sound familiar?). Of course, I had to work with “Their” mandated technologies – and I found myself suddenly in a Global environment. My old Company was a worldwide company but each country ruled their own area relatively independently. The new guys, on the other hand, were very interested in developing Global answers to problems.
I often flew to Europe to represent the USA Purchasing group as part of a global initiative to provide intelligence to purchasing agents. Seven people formed a core group and we had some interesting times. I discovered what the “Dutch Consensus Model” is at one of our earlier meetings. I was arguing some point when Jose, the team leader, said to me “K, we use the Dutch Consensus Model for these discussions” I asked what that is. Jose replied; “ If we don’t all agree to a certain plan, then we cannot recommend to our management any course of action”. I explained to Jose the USA Consensus Model – “we go into a room, we yell and scream, we bang fists on the table and get red in the face: but at the end of the day, we go with the majority view (or the boss’s view)”. Jose replied that’s not the “Our”Way. I’m proud to report I said; “now I know why the Dutch have never become a World Power”. The silence was deafening.
Meanwhile, back in the USA, we were making good progress delivering information to purchasing agents. . For example, within a year we’d reduced the number of different types / sizes / formulas of salt from 45 to 12. Some people in the IT Department were old friends so getting things done was easier for my group. Unfortunately, the European methods of management were taking their toll on those old friends. We were used to working for results. Our “New” counterparts were used to working for promotions – there is a BIG difference. More and more old friends fell away. Not me, I was still having fun and keeping a good attitude.
Not so with my boss who resigned in July 2004. Her replacement was a “Them” veteran who arrived in September. We had our first face to face meeting in October. My new boss asked if I knew that one of my brother Purchasing Directors was not using the information reports my group provided. I replied that I could “care less” that “you can lead a horse to water…”etc. The silence was deafening. Two weeks later my position was eliminated. It was fun while it lasted. I was given the opportunity to “retire” or be “fired”. I did NOT retire. I took my perks and bunch of cash and rode quietly into the night. My group still exists (although my Number One now works for another company in Ohio).The sun still came up the day after I left.
CORPORATE WORLD LESSON 3. Americans are unique in our ability to cut to the chase and alienate many other cultures with our fuck you attitude. If you are young and looking to get ahead, it’s best to temper this uniqueness with humility. I never could. I’m pleased to say my son can and does. He is so much better than his father!
kongoboken 